The International Ladies’ Fat Grading System
As always, I have conducted extensive and exhaustive research to bring you the facts. After international recognition of the Tummy Hierarchy Scale (a bloke in the Faroe Islands thought it quite amusing) I thought it high time to follow up with “The International Ladies’ Fat Grading System”:
Which CONCLUSIVELY proves several facts:
a. Portuguese cakes are principally made from substances that gravitate toward the upper half of the body; see the diagram on the right and note the shapely thin ankle PROVING that Portuguese cakes, pig fat and vast quantities of rice and potatoes eaten TOGETHER (it is a habit that should be made illegal) gives you thin ankles and enormous shoulders.
b. English lard (banha) is a heavier free radical and more balanced as it distributes itself more freely and widely over the body; see the lady on the left and note that I haven’t shown you her ankles as her legs are clad in unsightly leggings, a fashion statement that really ought to stay in Primark, that show off the less than shapely ankles.
OBVIOUSLY there are other factors to consider in this shape differential, namely lifestyles; The Portuguese fat lady spends precisely 94% of her waking hours standing up, feeding her children, grandchildren, great-grandchildren and their assorted wives, husbands, boyfriends, girlfriends and pets, doing everyone’s ironing and standing at her front gate watching the cars go by … so the fat stays up top. The British fat lady spends precisely (I HAVE measured this scientifically, I promise!) 87% of her day on the sofa in front of “Trisha” (SIC 10 Horas), “This Morning” (Praça de Alegria) and “Corrie” (Coronation Street: The oldest TV soap in the world, and getting older every minute) and does the ironing on special days only … so the fat goes … everywhere.
Vitriolica Webb … Sociologist, Anthropologist and big fat (though not as fat as those above) Liar.
© Lucy Pepper
Lucy Pepper writes, draws, animates and is a generally all-round decent sort of chap. Go visit her site: